Grains of Sand....Counting them

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

    How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,

    they would outnumber the grains of sand—

    when I awake, I am still with you.

Psalm 139-17-18

I've been thinking about these verses, really off and on for the last five months. From rediscovering the depths of Psalm 139 in its entirety to speechlessly sitting on the shores of the ocean among a small pile of grains of sand, this verse has been on my mind. So much so that there is some inspired artwork in the works, but that for another day --- as it is taking long than I thought.

For now, I'd like to share what I have learned about the magnitude of this verse. At first glance, we know that God thinks about a lot, right? But how much and what does that really mean. Grains of sand are tiny, right? And it takes up a lot to cover a beach, right? And there are lots of beaches in this world -- so that is a lot that God thinks about us. 

To put it more specifically, according to a quick search of the internet, just on all the world's beaches alone there are estimated to be seven quintillion five quadrillion grains of sand. That is 700,500 with 15 zeros after it. What that doesn't include in desserts and other sandy locations, just the ones that are ocean side. That is a lot!!

Here is the other cool thing, because rocks, minerals, and particles (I am not being very scientific here, but you get the idea) are constantly breaking down into smaller parts....yep, that is right it creates more and more grains of sand -- the number is constantly growing. I like to think that about God's thoughts of us, too. It is kind of like lightning bugs -- just when you think you've counted em all, another one pops up.

Yep, God thinks about us a lot....were I to count them, I would be overwhelmed by His presence and care.

Contentment - Part 1

Somewhere I once heard, and have since heard often enough that I just hold it to be true-- If you teach something to others, you are more likely to learn it deeply yourself.

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A while ago a dear friend with a beautiful family, asked me if I would be a guest speaker for a group that her teen-ish daughters are in. Basically, they invite women of all ages and life paths in to speak to the group on a weekly basis. Topics range, but are intended to plant seeds of God's truth in their life and who He has called them to be. As my friend put it...it is like putting a road block way before the cliff down the road.

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Lately, I'd been struggling with just this underlying bitterness.
You know the kind of grumpiness that just won't go away, yet no good reason why.
The kind that leaves you longing for a friend and good cup of coffee, sooner rather than later.
That icky feeling, you just can't place.

Well, I love how sometimes (ok, always really if we are just patient enough), God helps us place it.

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Today, I got a call from that friend, following up for the session in a few months. The topic they would like me to share on, she said, was contentment.

Contentment.

Contentment, I thought, what do I know about that? But as it set more deeply in, I continued to ponder, Contentment - what does God want me to know about that? There is no such thing as coincidence, so I knew there was nothing small about my friend calling in the middle of this yucky week.

At first, my mind started to wander towards being content in every physical place. You know, like being content after a good meal. Stopping after you buy 1 book, instead of loading on 5 more. Simplicity. Contentment. Then I was directed even a bit deeper, that in every area of our lives, relying on God as our strength. Our hope. Our being. God is enough. Contentment.

Contentment. I am thankful for that phone call today. And the topic on the road ahead. By no means do I plan to be the expert, but I am looking forward to what God teaches me in the next few months on this topic....what He will use me for to teach to the group of gals...and even more what He will use on that day for us all to learn.

If you've got thoughts share 'em.

obedience and abundance

One of my favorite songs is Eyes of a Child by Keith Naylor. It talks about how there is a simple purity in the world through the perspective of a child. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately as I am studying through the book of John with a group. There are lots of stories that I know I’ve read before, probably a lot as a child and although I’ve heard them since there is a new perspective when reading them deeply. In some ways through the simplicity of that of a child, but also the curiosity.

A story that has been on my mind a lot since discussing and sharing a few weeks ago is that of John 6 and the feeding of five thousand (really a lot more than that). If you would have asked be a month ago my recollection of this story would be that of a miracle and showing of God’s power. While this is true, much deeper in the story are the themes of sovereignty, wisdom, obedience, and abundance in His provisions.

If Jesus can respond to the needs of a crowd greater than 5,000…how much more does he know and his able to respond to our needs (v 5)….even before we bring them to Him.

He already has in mind what to do (v 6)….even when we give multiple solutions that seem like the perfect answer to use in our human problem solving ability (v7-8).

Even within that, the Lord may not give us the final solution and outcomes, but rather take us step by step and we must first LISTEN and then OBEY (v10)….first the crowd had to sit down….just think if they had not done so.

Give thanks for what we do have which God has provided (v 11).

What Jesus gives is enough and satisfies (v 12)….and yet, even in the leftovers there is ABUNDANCE… and NOTHING IS WASTED.

Dreaming a masterpiece...and then letting go

The even better part about that dreaming and painting is what happens after that. Picture the painting, the masterpiece as we call it, hanging in that special place. We look at it. Dream about it some more, and tap into that deep longing within us that is at the root of that dream. And then, if we are living it just right, we let go.

Yep, that is the root of the most beautiful, indescribable happiness.

To just let go. Let. it. go.

Think about it and some of those dreams...

For me a simple example, is I always wanted to be a waitress in a resturant. Not to say that it's never going to happen, but right now it's not highly likely. Yet, God has given me opportunities to serve others and be hospitable.

Some of those dreams that will never be lived out to the t, yet God has a way of taking those deep dreams and desires...and molding them into his purpose and plan for our lives. He shapes them into what He wants them to be, because He is the potter, the artist, and the true designer. He takes what we thought was a masterpiece, and although it was simply beautiful and does please His heart...He makes it into more that we ever dreamed of. Yet once we live it, is like a dream come true.

A good page turner, yet so much more

Imagine being a kid. At the end of the evening taking your favorite blanket and a good book. Then searching for someone to sit and read a story with you. Cuddling up in a lap, getting all comfy, and then digging into the book. Ahhhww - the best thing ever!!! I was reminded recently that my top love language is Quality Time (more on that later), so it is no surprise that this story-reading-adventure was the "best thing ever."

Recently, I was pretty sick. As the sickness was sinking in, I can remember thinking I need to ask God about this -- I mean why do we have sickness, what good can come out of using an entire box of Kleenex and sleeping all day? Regardless not so much fun, but once I got past the watery eyes and lots of sleep stage, I had some spare time until my fever dropped. I remembered the chronological Bible I had picked up a while back and the big gap in time since the last time I had picked it up. So, what better chance to dig in. I had nowhere to be for a while.

Well, it turns out that something good can come out of something bad, as I was reminded with the story of Joseph (also a favorite..."what you intended for evil...God intended for good"). I found myself so in the presence of God and His story. It was the best page turner ever. I would always get caught up in the genealogy, so never thought I'd say that about Genesis, but it came to life. Especially, Joseph...by the end of it I couldn't get the songs from the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat out of my head :) Tangent, but it was so for real.

So there I found myself, at the end of the evening, favorite blanket and a Good book. And cuddling up with being so much in the presence of the Author and Storyteller. Ahhhww - amazingly the best thing ever!!! And the good thing is, I can't stop...on to Exodus and so on. So much to learn, hear, and be reminded.

So glad that one of God's love languages is Quality Time, too.

...Christ's power may rest on me...

...when i am weak, then i am strong....when i am weak, then i am strong....when i am weak, then i am strong.

Those words have been coming to me a lot lately, so I've been searching back to the verse and thinking a lot about this, as I've come to meditate on the passage I long to go deeper still.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10)

As I read it over, there are a few things I'm going to study....

my power is made perfect in weakness

Christ's power may rest on me

I delight in weaknesses

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Stay tuned for reflections, contribute any insight, or just pray for direction.

Think on these things

I've been reminded lately to think on things that are true (Phil 4:8). It is so easy to get off course from that...but so much better to stay on course....here are some truths that I have rediscovered lately:

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid and do not be discouraged. (Deut. 31:8)

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. (Hebrew 13:5b)

Really, those two were the initial good stuff....I mean just meditate on them a while (NEVER is such a strong and bold word...it has to be true) and that is enough. :) But then throughout the weekend, these were some other true treasures:

But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. Jer 17:7-8

"...Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life..."(Deut. 30:19-20)

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this; He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Psalm 37:3-6

Think on these things. :)

A Breeze Full of Hope on the Balcony of a Clear Night Sky

Praise be to God, who finishes our thoughts for us...well actually, who knows our thoughts before they are!

I trust You, Lord.
I love You.
Help me to please You,
to be a blessing of obedience.
I want to believe
and to do Your will.
Take my inadequacies
and just hold me
until I am full of
God-confidence
and empty of all that
I forgot I am not
and full of all that
You promise I am.
This is my Hope.

What balance

The latest re-realization or epiphany in a new way...

We aren't called to find balance...but rather God wants all of us...of me...of you....and will settle for nothing less.

Relentless.

Relentlessly He digs deeper into the pockets of the soul to consume and conform.

Conform me.

the clarity and relevance of True North

"Relevance" as been my word of striving and searching lately. Last week a friend had invited me to a prayer labyrinth that was being put on by MCC. It was basically an open room with a maze traced on the floor. You started out with a cd head set and it took you through 10 different stations. It was very cool. And very interdisciplinary (I think that is the right word). The cd was a combination of voice and music guiding you through each stop. The first was mostly reflection and transition in. Then was one about static in the world (a tv there with lots of squiggly lines). Then to a rock dropped in a bucket of water...to symbolize letting go. Then a mirror and seeing what God sees. Then...hmm I forget a few in the middle, just because I am trying to get to the one I liked best...Then there was a stop for communion. Then a stop for others...lighting a candle and praying for them. Then a station with a box of sand...leaving an imprint. And a few others in between.

The paused moment in time that still sticks out the most was the station with a map on the ground. There was a compass in the middle with lots of magnets around it. The objective was to move the magnets further away to the edges of the map, which then changed the registering of true north on the compass. It was very powerful as the cd talked through how our lives can be that way. And we have a True North in our Lord Jesus. But what happens when the non-true norths (magnets) take away time and energy and fog our view and perception...and prioritizing of True North. I left thinking that I've got a lot of non-true north in the day to day and in the big picture. I mean just think about it so much junk in our lives...tv, even if it is just 10 minutes a day...technology, sometimes...bordem....gossip...surface friendships...time wasting...distraction after distraction, and the list goes on. So, magnet by magnet, I hope to identify them and pull them further away...and looking forward to the clarity and relevance of a True-True North.

The reality of action

Faith is praying with your head, waiting for your heart to catch up.

Grace is praying with your heart, waiting for your head to catch up.

Love is faith and grace in action.



Think about it...



with your heart and your head,

and let love be the answer.

Powerful words

Tonight I had the best yoga ever. I've had this video for years and it never gets old, usually I struggle with patience and boredom of routine with stuff like this. But with this dvd, I know that when I pull it out every week (or sometimes less often), it will be just as good. I like it because it has verses read every so often and that is the subject of meditation. Each time, different verses hit me in different ways. Tonight it was Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Only, what I heard was:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

I had been struggling with that lately and this was just what I needed.


It also reminded of a speaker I heard once that was talking about reading through verses with emphasis on each word differently and just thinking on that. For example, all in this one sentence is such richness...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Etc. Etc.....

Try reading through it for yourself, with emphasis on those words and what they mean deeply. :)

A happy heart turns the page

Ok, so I really don't intend to take you all on a page by page journey of my re-reading...but I've just completed Chapter Four and the conclusions were just so sweet that I have been reading them over and over and over....and have now decided to just put in the bookmark and marinate for a while.

"Getting honest with ourselves does not make us unacceptable to God. It does not distance us from God, but draws us to Him --as nothing else can -- and opens us anew to the flow of grace. While Jesus calls each of us to a more perfect life, we cannot achieve it on our own. To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace....The gospel of grace calls out: Nothing can ever seperate you from the love of God made visable in Christ Jesus our Lord. You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Faith will become vision, hope will become possession, but the love of Jesus Christ this is stronger than death endures forever." - Brennan Manning

Marinate with me. I hope it will make your heart as happy as mine. :)

If I have not Love...

"If I have not love, I am nothing." Those words have been in my mind the last few weeks.

A long time ago, I used to think that meant if I wasn't in a good mood about something or reaching out to others in true love, that I should stop, muster up all the love I could in me and than move on to complete the task.

Even now, the definition of what that statement actually means is a work in progress, but I somehow think that is not it.

Just one example, most recently I was touched by devastation on the other side of the world. I thought, 'no matter what I do, it is not enough and can never be enough.' But then I was reminded of the words of Helen Keller, "I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Although these words in part inspired me to action, the reality was it was more out of selfish motives and the feeling a need to do something. As the love quote rang in my head, I realized that even these actions although civic-dutiful and humanitarian....would be nothing with out love.

So I guess that is a piece of forming my working definition of that statement....stopping to empty myself of all apparent goodwill and negative things, too, and make room for a Love that is beyond what I could live out or accomplish without that strength of Christ. Making the impossible possible.

Since then, there is a less of a need to do. And more of a peace in being....still in action, but not of my own....and of course, still a work in progress.

The theme of the week

This week the topic of new year's resolutions has been the buzz. My normal cop-out is to not go that route. I mean... people set these big goals and a few weeks later are disappointed because their own self will is not strong enough. Well, while that is still my answer I do think it is worth taking some time to stop and reflect, which I do plan to do in the month and year ahead. Hopefully, being intentional about it too.

But in the mean time, I was going through some old papers and found a four page list I had made three and a half years ago of goals for my personal and professional life. Yep, four pages :) It was a good reflection to see where God has brought me and what He has taken me through. It was also good for me to remember the short few sentence goal that the pages and pages were based on, and for me to think about those goals on the page that need some dust blown off and revisited and energized. While it is not the full extended version, in the spirit of new year's resolutions, below in no certain order is my constant list of things to work on... some from a few years ago that I am still working on and some new additions.

"Remain in constant relationship with God in order to share the love of Christ in me to others, while developing and learning, truly engaging in life, and becoming a better steward of the life I was given." - 2006

1. Be healthy.
2. Connect with 1 person each day, really connect.
3. Just be with God, spend time reading, and in quiet.
4. Have love...be real and accountable with daily compassion, trust God second by second.
5. Not let goals become my god.
6. Develop a genuine desire to publish.
7. Listen, not judge. Empower and support.
8. Have faith that God is somehow using now to make me into the person He wants me to be.
9. Research other professions: Consulting, Bed and Breakfast, Coffee Shop, and others.
10. Identify my gifts.
11. Start each new day with Psalms 19:14....end each day reflecting on the failings and celebrations of that goal, and start again new in the morning.
12. Get a passport and plan to use it.

Peace-ing it Together

So I started cleaning through my apartment and trying to downsize (more on that later). But one way to do that, I thought, was to read some of the books that have somehow made it to my shelf, so that I could read them, then pass them on to others. However, to my dismay the first book I picked held too much wisdom to fully take in merely in one reading. So, it goes back to the shelves, to be read again. For now, here are some good things I found:

Too often the peace of God is thought of as if it were essentially a feeling of inner tranquility, happy and carefree, springing from knowledge that God will shield one from life’s hardest knocks. But this is a misrepresentation, for on one hand, God does not featherbed his children this way…the truth …is that God’s peace brings us two things: power to face and to live with our own badness and failings, and also contentment under “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” (…God’s wise providence). The peace of God is first and foremost peace with God. – JI Packer

Grace is God drawing us sinners closer and closer to himself…Not by shielding us from assault by the world, the flesh and the devil, nor by protecting us from burdensome and frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding us from troubles created by our own temperament and psychology, but rather by exposing us to all these things, so as to overwhelm us with a sense of our own inadequacy, and to drive us to cling to him more closely. This is the ultimate reason, from our standpoint, why God fills our lives with troubles and perplexities of one sort and another: it is to ensure that we shall learn to hold him fast. – JI Packer

Amazing Agape

God is love. And He loves me.
He is bigger than the world,
Yet, in the small things, too.
He is everywhere all at once,
Yet, with me moment by moment.
Though I may neglect it;
I can not deny it; Amazing Love.

Still reading...

my heart is good.

Recent read

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us...And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Nelson Mandela, quoted from Waking the Dead, John Eldredge.

I've started this new book from a favorite author of a best friend and in someways, I wish I was a faster reader, because I am not sure if I completely agree, but need to finish book to see where the author is going. In the chapter on Glory in Your Hidden Heart, he talks about how there is a misconception in Christian communities that we are "just sinners saved by grace." This was hard for me to wrestle with becasue at first glance that statement is true. But he goes on to say (I think this is what is he saying anyway) that Christ gives us a new heart and there are now good things within us, butwe just have to battle sin. And we need to live with that identity...."choose to live from our new heart" ....continuing to read on slowly....

You may say I'm a dreamer....

I’ve always been a dreamer. It is fun to be. But recently the realization hit me – now I’m an adult. I comment in the icebreaker games that I am still trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. But the reality sunk in that depending in when you define that mark of adulthood (for me it was having a washer and dryer), I’ve been there for a while. That thought combined with the reality that God has created within us dreams and ambitions...for a while paralyzed me. It is an overwhelming thought (he hee and it makes me think of that song we sang as kids about being a promise and a possibility in this world to do great things. That song makes me smile).

Reflecting on some recent good reads, a card someone gave me a few years back with the quote “Use your imagination not to scare yourself to death but to inspire yourself to life,” and a recent chat with my “dream-big-coach” from college ...I’ve decided it’s time to put some things into action. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not yet at the place that I’ve got a three-step plan for everything on my dream big list. But I do think it’s important to break it down into the baby steps. Like, if I want to travel the world, why not start with getting a passport. If there are places I hope to travel, why not start learning more about them now (watch for list to follow and you can help educate me, too). If I want to be more knowledgeable on topics, why not take a few classes. I am sure my list will grow, and hopefully soon the sub-steps will start being checked off and dreams put into action. And who knows maybe along the way the big dreams will change directions, but I think that is ok, too.